Tips for Effective Parenting

Author: Helen Man
Translator: Mandy Kwan

Many Chinese-American teenagers feel that their parents are overly utilitarian, focusing solely on pushing their children to succeed and to be outstanding. These parents tend to overreact, speaking harshly, with a negative attitude. They often become irrational and lose control of their emotions before fully understanding the situation.

Out of the many ways of Chinese-style parenting, some are favorable but some are detrimental. Here are some tips:

Detrimental Parenting to Avoid:

1. Avoid High-pressure “Tiger Mom” or “Tiger Dad” Tactics

Traditionally, “Tiger Moms” and “Tiger Dads” often enforce strict authority and mistakenly believe that, “The deeper the love, the harsher the discipline.” They openly criticize their children for present and past mistakes, even in the presence of relatives and their children’s friends, thinking that “shame leads to courage.”  However, what results is often the opposite: such treatment causes deep emotional wounds. Even if the child performs well academically, growing up under constant criticism can lead to a lack of confidence, joy, and a tendency to give up on themselves.  

2. Avoid Corporal Punishment

Some parents resort to physical punishment at the slightest provocation, such as slapping, hitting the child’s head with objects, or withholding meals. Negatively releasing a parent’s anger leads to resentment or physical and mental health problems. Hardly would these children return love and take care of their aging parents in the future.

3. Avoid Favoritism among Children

Parents must be fair and impartial, treating all children equally. Never single out one child for criticism or punishment. Favoritism breeds resentment, jealousy, and conflict among siblings.

4. Beware of Spoiling Children

Some parents provide lavish material support but turn a blind eye to bad habits or immoral behavior such as deceit or manipulation. This kind of indulgence is deeply harmful.  I once knew a couple who doted excessively on their only son. Knowing that he loved gambling and playing mahjong, they cleared out a room in their house just to accommodate his gaming friends, even letting them party and stay overnight.  What resulted was a wasted young man addicted to gambling, who never held a steady job, and eventually committed crimes and was sent to jail.

5. Never Punish Children for Your Own Failures

Some parents project their own failures or pain onto their children, frequently calling them demeaning names like “idiot,” “retard,” or “moron.” This is extremely ignorant and damaging to the child.  I once met a girl with deep self-esteem issues and a promiscuous lifestyle. It was later revealed that her mother had blamed her for the failure of her own marriage.

Practice Positive Parenting:

1. Discipline According to the Teachings of the Bible

The best discipline is teaching children according to biblical principles. Therefore, from an early age, guide children to understand the gospel, to accept Jesus Christ as their Savior, and to live a godly life on the path that pleases God. Let the powerful and loving Holy Spirit be their constant teacher—this is the most important and proper method.

The Bible says: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4) Parents should often pray for their children and also for themselves, asking God for wisdom and understanding to raise the children He has entrusted to them. Always remember that God is the true master of their children; parents are merely stewards. Therefore, do not demand your children to fulfill your dreams, nor decide their courses of study, careers, or marriage partners based on your preferences. Otherwise, it could result in a broken parent-child relationship.

2. Teach According to Age

Parents should discipline their children according to their age. When children are young, stricter discipline may be appropriate, with an emphasis on character development—such as reverence for God, respect for parents and elders, honesty, integrity, love, and compassion. Good character and habits must be cultivated from a young age. As children grow older, parents should gradually loosen their control and allow children to make certain decisions, thereby cultivating a sense of responsibility.

When disciplining, first listen to the child, and explain why discipline is necessary. Following that, embrace the child and explain that you are disciplining them because you love them. Only then will they be convinced and benefit from the discipline. Instead of using physical punishment, slightly tap their little hands if needed. For older children, physical punishment is absolutely inappropriate; instead, they should be guided with reasoning.  If parents make a mistake in discipline, they should apologize to the child. This will earn the child’s respect because only upright and courageous parents admit their faults to the younger ones.

3. Be Consistent in Words and Actions

Effective discipline requires follow-through.  It is important to do as you say.  Do not make exaggerated or unrealistic threats such as, “If you do that again, I’ll beat you to death.” Children are perceptive and can tell if you’re bluffing.  Parents should work together in discipline; consistent and united efforts from both parents will yield the best results.

4. Discipline Out of Love

Here’s a true story: A son is notorious for stealing in a Christian family. The parents did their best but failed to stop his stealing habit. One day, the son was caught shoplifting. That evening, the father brought him home, summoned the entire family, and picked up the disciplinary rod. The son expected the usual scolding and beating.

Unexpectedly, the father sorrowfully recounted the incident, and, overwhelmed with emotion, embraced the son and wept: “I have failed God. I haven’t properly raised my son. I deserve punishment!” Then he began to beat himself with the stick while crying. The whole family cried with him. The son, moved by his father’s love, hugged him, knelt before him, and wept: “Father, please stop hitting yourself! I’m the one who’s wrong. I’ll never steal again!”

From then on, the boy truly changed and became a man of good character, loving God and others. This shows that when children understand that discipline is out of love, it is most effective.

5. Guide Your Children Gently as a Good Friend 

Listen to your children and be their good friend. Encourage open discussion and reasoning together. When having heart-to-heart talks, remember to “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” At the opportune time, provide guidance, and you’ll achieve better results with less effort.  Never underestimate the bonding power of family dinners, heart-to-heart chats, or weekend outings. Parent-child relationships are naturally anchored by these shared moments.

6. Lead by Example

A Chinese proverb says: “If the upper wooden beam is not straight, the lower beam will be crooked.” Good parents must lead by example to achieve effective discipline.

If you want your children to be loving, you must be loving and compassionate. If you want them to study diligently, you must also work hard. If you want them to be filial, you must honor your own parents. If you want them to be honest, you must be trustworthy. If you want them to be upright, you must practice what you preach. A loving relationship between parents is the most powerful form of teaching. If there is constant conflict, scheming, or infidelity, children will not want to come home. A harmonious, joyful, and God-centered family is where parents and children love God and each other, care for one another daily, and solve problems together. 

May God bless you and your family with love! Happy Father’s Day!