【Tears of my heart】5. Tears of Gain and Loss

Raymond Eng

Our beloved brother Raymond has rested in peace in the Lord’s arms on March 20. We are reluctant to let go of him so soon. He’s passionate towards people, always helpful to those in need, and very supportive to the outreach ministries for the kingdom of God.
Last year, he published his second autobiography “Tears of My Heart” and gave permission for it to be posted on our Truth Monthly. Let us get to know our brother from his writings, who firmly believed in the Lord and lived to love God and others!

5. Tears of Gain and Loss

Proverbs 3:12. For the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.

Another event that left a deep impression of my tears occurred in 1998. That was the year when I was about to lose my SoHo property. At the time, my business was failing miserably and owed lots of money. The bank was about to foreclose the property. I was quite bewildered as if I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death. I couldn’t sleep day or night; I have experienced tremendous mental and psychological pressure. In my sheer despondency, I called to God! Because I had nowhere else to turn, God was my only hope. I submitted to God fully and humbly, I wept and pleaded for God’s grace to forgive my sins, for when good time rolled, I had forgotten God. I had not given God the glory. I was cocky in my attitude, wasteful of my financial resources, and I had forgotten the promise I made to God back when I wanted to be a person whom God can use throughout my life. I grieved and thought of Palm 51. It was written by David, his psalm of repentance: “Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love, according to your abundant mercy. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence and take not our holy spirit from me. A broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” I am willing to be disciplined by God, for ‘whom the Lord loves, He disciplines’, the purpose of God’s discipline for me to was to learn, to have a part in His holiness.

After two years of severe trial and waiting, a miracle occurred. I was able to have the ability to buy back the property. Through this ‘lost and regain’, I experienced God’s faithfulness and mercy. Like the Psalmist said in Psalm 103, “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our inequities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him. As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.” I am not trying to tell you how skillful and amazing I was able to regain this lost property, for if it were not the grace and mercy of God, I will be a person who has nothing. I have made a covenant with God, I will offer this building to God’s service, glory be to God, Amen!

Credit: Eng, Raymond. Edited by Angelyn Loh. Translated by Abraham Koo, Raymond Eng, 2020.

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